April 28, 2011
The ‘Over My Dead Body’ Babysitter List
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I’ve said it dozens of times, what I know about illegal drugs I learned in D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education). I can proudly say that I’ve never used illegal drugs or misused prescription or over the counter drugs. This is not a matter of my getting on my high horse and judging anyone, I’m just saying.
I bring this up because in a recent conversation with a trusted friend he confided that family members have not allowed him to take his beloved nephew on unsupervised outings (zoo, park etc.) and how hurt he is over the situation. Although other excuses were given it seems obvious to me that there is one glaring reason for this ban on outings and to be honest it’s the same reason I won’t ever allow my trusted friend to watch my peanut. He has made the decision to use “recreational” (aka illegal) drugs and has been doing so for many years, and to the best of my knowledge has no intention of stopping. I have made my wish for him to quit well understood, he continues, without apology. Despite my disagreement with his lifestyle choice we remain very close friends, damn near siblings; you don’t drop a sibling because they make bad choices. Regardless of how much I love this ‘bother from another mother’ and trust him with my inner most secrets and have shared countless childhood memories I can honestly say that I wouldn’t let him babysit my kiddo. Not because I think he would ever do anything to intentionally harm them but I truly don’t know that I can trust his judgment and I suspect his family feels the same way.
While I have never told him that he is on my list of ‘over my dead body’ babysitters, (I’d rather eat glass) he is. Some of the questions that run through my mind include: “If he makes bad decisions for himself, can I trust him to make good decisions for my child?” “How do I know that his judgment isn’t impaired from recent or long-term drug use?” With young children you have to be constantly on your toes and ready for anything, a split second delay could mean catastrophe. God forbid, if something happened to my child on his watch, I know I wouldn’t be able to get past it.
Right now my friend is feeling hurt and I want to help but how can I offer comfort when I feel the same way. I know there will be some people out there who will say, ‘if you were a true friend you’d be honest’ to them I say, shut up your face! I don’t want to pour salt in his wounds and make him feel worse. Trust me people this is not time for an intervention, this will not be the situation that helps him come to terms with his drug use and the motives behind it. Today is not that day; however, I will be there when that day does come.
I have been considering my list of ‘over my dead body’ babysitters since this conversation; there are several people on the list for various reasons and as a parent I won’t apologize for making decisions that protect my child from potentially dangerous situations but I am sorry that the situations exists. I’m sorry that you choose to use drugs and make bad decisions. I’m sorry that she’s a total basket case and can barely care for herself let alone a child. I am sorry that you choose to let your own offspring behave like animals and on more than a dozen occasions have lost them in seriously dangerous scenarios. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt but your feelings rank below the safety and wellbeing of my offspring, that’s just the way it is.
My question to you: Do you have an ‘over my dead body’ babysitter list? If you do are there any unlikely suspects on it? Maybe someone who would be devastated to find out that they appear on your list? Have you ever told someone that you don’t want them to watch your child/ren? How did they take it? Have you since changed your mind or have they changed their ways?
March 15, 2011
A Study Of Parents
We were very popular this weekend, a few parties to attend. It always happens that way, we rush from one to the other and by Sunday night we are exhausted! This weekend happened to be filled with all children related celebrations which is such an interesting study in child behavior and parenting. Many opportunities for observation presented themselves, many surprised me, some puzzled me and a few downright pissed me off! So I busted out my handy dandy notebook and searched for clues ala Blues Clues (the Steve years).
My first observation was of parents of parents.
You know how people say they are becoming their parents…yeah it would appear to be true. I watched dearest friend make a plan, confirm the plan with all parties and subsequently be frustrated and annoyed when everyone was suddenly unaware of the plan (funny how that always happens). Shortly thereafter I watched dearest friend’s mom and her sheer exhaustion when dealing with her own mother. It would seem these are the types of parenting cycles we repeat from generation to generation-in my head I imagine dearest friend’s little nugget all grown up and doing the same thing to her. It kind of warms your heart to know that some things never change and when your mother says, “I hope you have one just like you!” you probably will.
My second observation was of bad parents in the company of friends.
Bad parents are family, and thus we can’t escape them, we do our best to tolerate them and while we adore their little darlings it remains a challenge to ignore unacceptable behavior. We arrive to the festivities fashionably late, just late enough to not have to work the room and greet forty-five people before we arrive at the coat closet- a general hi and wave to the room is sufficient (thank god). It would seem that ALL of bad parents friends had kids at the same time (seriously the same time, some with due dates just days apart…that must have been one bad-ass party 9 months prior!) so the ratio of parent to child was seriously off- we were terribly outnumbered- babies and toddlers everywhere. The Birthday Brat (who I love to tiny little pieces, but she’s bratty) had been up to her usual tricks hitting, stealing toys, throwing tantrums and in general running amuck. The anomaly was bad parents reaction to the behavior, unlike the usual oblivious ignorance that we’ve all become painfully familiar with, there was some discipline going on. Granted it didn’t do a damn bit of good, because this is the first time they’ve ever given it a whirl-but it proves they know it exists and are aware of how to execute it. This had me stumped, if they are capable of identifying behavior in need of correction and they are familiar with effective methods of discipline (ie: time out) why aren’t they doing it? So I kick my observation into high gear and am watching every encounter with Birthday Brat and I notice that bad parents only step in when abuses are directed towards their friends’ children. I think this is a type of peer pressure (I say hooray peer pressure!). Friends point out that Birthday Brat is destroying other children’s things and they step right up, then suddenly they are watching her too (excuse my shock, but this never happens). Birthday Brat smacks her sister and nobody really cares, she smashes her cousin eehh they’ll be fine. She steals a toy from friend’s kid and they literally jump to action. I am spell-bound watching this unfold. Keeping up the appearance of being a good parent is more important than putting in the time and effort to actual be one.
My question to you: Have you become your mother/father? Does that make you happy or sad? Do you have bad parents in your life? Do they put on a show for others? Do you think they are putting on show for you?
March 4, 2011
I Hate My Friend’s Kid…Now What?
Recently my hubby and I reconnected with an old friend we had lost touch with for several years. It was great catching up and planning get togethers but there is one problem…we can’t stand his kid! I know, it’s a major problem. In theory it’s a great thought, the kids can play and entertain themselves and we can have adult conversations…imagine that. Not only do I want to avoid that child like the plague I don’t want them around my little nugget to pick up on the bad behavior and attitude. I just can’t seem to find a solution other than phase this friend (and his demon spawn child) out.
We’ve already started avoiding gatherings and turning down invitations with quick but carefully crafted excuses. Part of me thinks that our friend knows something is up, but I truly don’t think he would ever suspect it has anything to do with problem child. My first thought is- can you really be that oblivious to your child’s behavior? Let’s say for argument’s sake you can be, how do you not notice the reaction of ALL of your friends and family? When you tell the story, “I don’t know why, they just stopped coming around” about various friends, over and over and at no point look to see what the common element of the story is that’s a problem.
I love children, almost all of them, it takes a downright nasty little bugger to bring me to the point of saying I can’t stand that kid. Generally I can empathize- parents are divorced, they’re unpopular in school, child has a condition, whatever. This kid is just a little jerk, rude and disrespectful to adults and children, – family, strangers, grandparents, friends, classmates…a delightful child. My husband and I do our best not to reprimand other people’s children (unless they are a danger to themselves or others) but this kid is pushing it. For some reason a lot of this child’s venom is directed at my husband, rude jokes, hitting, throwing things, and continual annoyances (repeated poking to the chest while you are having a conversation…enough to make you imagine throwing the child out of the yard over a six-foot fence) that drive you to lose your mind. Without screaming in the child’s face (because in the end this is a child and that would be wrong) how do you deal with this? Friends and family of ours have mentioned that they can’t stand the kid either and have passed on our events because they don’t want to deal…what’s the answer?
My question to you: Have you been forced to phase out a friend because you hate their kid? Is there an alternative to the phase out? Have you ever confronted a friend and said listen your kid is a monster and I/we can’t handle it…did blood shed ensue? Are you still friends?
November 12, 2010
Blogging…The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent
As I sit down to write several topics pop into mind and though I know I can write endlessly about these issues, I wonder if I should. Where will I draw the line and how firm of a line will it be, will power is not my strong suit. If using no names other than my own can others be justifiably upset with me for my posts, people are upset with me all the time, but do I want to give them ammo. How much of my life do I want to share and at this point, seriously, this blog can hear the crickets chirping…strike that cricket chirp, there’s only one and he mostly keeps to himself .
If I write about my friends will I have any left? Writing about family brings about more drama, if that’s even possible! Writing about work is ill-advised and ground I won’t tread on, don’t bite the hand that feeds you, as they say. Writing about me means writing about the nouns (people, places, things) that affect me. So I write, what needs to be written and a la Dragnet the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and even the guilty) and wait to see how this thing plays out.
Can I Get A Sticky Piece? 