November 10, 2011
Hey Look, Adults Live Here!
My husband and I pulled up to our house one day this summer and while finishing our conversation I was taking a look at our green grass and landscaping. I said to my husband, “Hey look, adults live here!” He laughed but I thought to myself that we are no longer young, newly married, twenty-somethings-we’re grown-ups and we do grown up things.
I looked out at the criss cross pattern he had mowed into our lush green lawn, that he now spends countless hours tending and worrying about crabgrass and grub worms. The rows of impatients and geraniums I had painstakingly planned and planted in our flower beds were huge and beautiful. Things were neat and well kept, our neighbors complement our yard as they walk by with their dogs; and secretly I love it, every time it makes me giddy with delight! Perhaps it’s my competitive nature shining through.
I realize appearances can be deceiving, just because it looks like you have it together doesn’t mean you do. It got me thinking, and yeah, we do responsible things. The more obvious things like go to work, pay our bills and clean our house (though generally very reluctantly). Without even realizing it we do civic minded things, and that is very grown up. We volunteer our time, money and energy to various organizations locally. I am heavily involved in our PTA and my husband works with the local engine club…we support nonprofit charity organizations-if that’s not grown up I don’t know what is. We organize play dates for my kiddo and host holidays at our home; for all intents and purposes we are adults now.
At first I wasn’t sure why this was such a surprise to me. But I guess we’ve grown into this gradually, so much so I didn’t even notice it happening. Upon evaluation I find that I am happy with what we’ve become, the decisions we’ve made and the company we keep. I know that overall it hasn’t been easy but what in life ever is? I know that our family is strong and happy (not every day but more often than not). I find that I am curious to see what other stages we grow into and if I’ll even notice them before they are over.
My Question To You: By what markers/milestones do you measure yourself/your family in their evolution? Are you surprised to find yourself where you are today? Are you happy with where you are and how you got there?
April 28, 2011
The ‘Over My Dead Body’ Babysitter List
Image via Wikipedia
I’ve said it dozens of times, what I know about illegal drugs I learned in D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education). I can proudly say that I’ve never used illegal drugs or misused prescription or over the counter drugs. This is not a matter of my getting on my high horse and judging anyone, I’m just saying.
I bring this up because in a recent conversation with a trusted friend he confided that family members have not allowed him to take his beloved nephew on unsupervised outings (zoo, park etc.) and how hurt he is over the situation. Although other excuses were given it seems obvious to me that there is one glaring reason for this ban on outings and to be honest it’s the same reason I won’t ever allow my trusted friend to watch my peanut. He has made the decision to use “recreational” (aka illegal) drugs and has been doing so for many years, and to the best of my knowledge has no intention of stopping. I have made my wish for him to quit well understood, he continues, without apology. Despite my disagreement with his lifestyle choice we remain very close friends, damn near siblings; you don’t drop a sibling because they make bad choices. Regardless of how much I love this ‘bother from another mother’ and trust him with my inner most secrets and have shared countless childhood memories I can honestly say that I wouldn’t let him babysit my kiddo. Not because I think he would ever do anything to intentionally harm them but I truly don’t know that I can trust his judgment and I suspect his family feels the same way.
While I have never told him that he is on my list of ‘over my dead body’ babysitters, (I’d rather eat glass) he is. Some of the questions that run through my mind include: “If he makes bad decisions for himself, can I trust him to make good decisions for my child?” “How do I know that his judgment isn’t impaired from recent or long-term drug use?” With young children you have to be constantly on your toes and ready for anything, a split second delay could mean catastrophe. God forbid, if something happened to my child on his watch, I know I wouldn’t be able to get past it.
Right now my friend is feeling hurt and I want to help but how can I offer comfort when I feel the same way. I know there will be some people out there who will say, ‘if you were a true friend you’d be honest’ to them I say, shut up your face! I don’t want to pour salt in his wounds and make him feel worse. Trust me people this is not time for an intervention, this will not be the situation that helps him come to terms with his drug use and the motives behind it. Today is not that day; however, I will be there when that day does come.
I have been considering my list of ‘over my dead body’ babysitters since this conversation; there are several people on the list for various reasons and as a parent I won’t apologize for making decisions that protect my child from potentially dangerous situations but I am sorry that the situations exists. I’m sorry that you choose to use drugs and make bad decisions. I’m sorry that she’s a total basket case and can barely care for herself let alone a child. I am sorry that you choose to let your own offspring behave like animals and on more than a dozen occasions have lost them in seriously dangerous scenarios. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt but your feelings rank below the safety and wellbeing of my offspring, that’s just the way it is.
My question to you: Do you have an ‘over my dead body’ babysitter list? If you do are there any unlikely suspects on it? Maybe someone who would be devastated to find out that they appear on your list? Have you ever told someone that you don’t want them to watch your child/ren? How did they take it? Have you since changed your mind or have they changed their ways?
April 21, 2011
Family Care -vs- Day Care
At first glance it seemed like a no brainer; of course it would be better for my child to be cared for by family when I can’t be there to care for them myself? My thought was day care is just fine but since I have the opportunity for family care then I’d jump on it. However, as we got into the swing of it I began to think, maybe day care was the way to go, dealing with family is rough. Parenting styles differ and times have changed, what your parents think was just fine while you were growing may not be acceptable to you. I found myself longing for a child care professional with experience dealing with children AND parents. The idea of dropping off a healthy balanced meal for my kid and someone actually feeding it to them, rather than finding out that cheese doodles and ice pops were a meal, made me giddy. I was frantically looking for the smooth exit from family care to day care, but it never came, oddly enough there didn’t seem to be any exits on this damn road.
Family sitters come with what seems like never ending debate, a constant uphill battle to convince your sitters to “do it your way” and the frustration that comes from being constantly ignored. Don’t yes me to death then do whatever you want, not cool! Eventually the stress seeps into everything; tension arises in your marriage because you each want to beat the other’s parent(s) within an inch of their lives. Holiday dinners are super fun when you’ve spent the entire week at war with family, but you sit down to dinner and not only are you carving a turkey but you can cut the tension with a knife. When a disconnected sitter bails on you at the last minute, you bitch and moan about it and make other arrangements, it is similar to unexpected construction during your commute, you take the detour. That construction turns into a complete road closure and is a very different situation when family bails on you. You judge the reasons, and continue building resentment.
Tossing around the idea of ditching family care for day care brings up a lot of questions, first the new toll road you’ll be taking. Day care isn’t cheap and our family care was free…free is nice…free is real nice. Adding this new expense means sacrificing in other areas. So let’s say we decide the new expense is worth it to keep what little sanity we have left. How do we gracefully exit family care without creating hurt feelings? When you switch day cares you don’t care about their feelings it’s a business transaction. When you take your child out of family care you send the message that I don’t like the way you care for my child- you’re fired. Even if that is not the message you are sending, very often that is the message that is received. If there was any hope of finding a happy medium and keeping family activities peaceful there had to be another way off this god forsaken road.
I was able to find some rest areas in the form of ½ day preschool programs that gave my peanut structure, schedule and routine while developing better social skills and the best part it came with a recommendation from the pediatrician. Basically having a doctor’s note to pull her from family care to preschool was the ticket off this road. Without hurting feelings or causing problems my kiddo was learning and following rules similar to our own, potty training along our guidelines and peace had been restored. Our family sitters were supportive of our desire to follow the doctor’s recommendation and by spending half the day in preschool it alleviated a lot of the exposure to those issues that were causing much of the conflict. True there are still problems to be addressed and the new road has speed bumps and uphill battles but they are significantly fewer. Our little darling is thriving with both family care and day care; it’s a better balance, the best of both worlds.
My question to you: Did you have to make the decision between family care and day care? Are you happy with the decision that you made? Have you had a child/children in both family care and daycare, which did you prefer and why? Did family care cause friction and drama?
March 15, 2011
A Study Of Parents
We were very popular this weekend, a few parties to attend. It always happens that way, we rush from one to the other and by Sunday night we are exhausted! This weekend happened to be filled with all children related celebrations which is such an interesting study in child behavior and parenting. Many opportunities for observation presented themselves, many surprised me, some puzzled me and a few downright pissed me off! So I busted out my handy dandy notebook and searched for clues ala Blues Clues (the Steve years).
My first observation was of parents of parents.
You know how people say they are becoming their parents…yeah it would appear to be true. I watched dearest friend make a plan, confirm the plan with all parties and subsequently be frustrated and annoyed when everyone was suddenly unaware of the plan (funny how that always happens). Shortly thereafter I watched dearest friend’s mom and her sheer exhaustion when dealing with her own mother. It would seem these are the types of parenting cycles we repeat from generation to generation-in my head I imagine dearest friend’s little nugget all grown up and doing the same thing to her. It kind of warms your heart to know that some things never change and when your mother says, “I hope you have one just like you!” you probably will.
My second observation was of bad parents in the company of friends.
Bad parents are family, and thus we can’t escape them, we do our best to tolerate them and while we adore their little darlings it remains a challenge to ignore unacceptable behavior. We arrive to the festivities fashionably late, just late enough to not have to work the room and greet forty-five people before we arrive at the coat closet- a general hi and wave to the room is sufficient (thank god). It would seem that ALL of bad parents friends had kids at the same time (seriously the same time, some with due dates just days apart…that must have been one bad-ass party 9 months prior!) so the ratio of parent to child was seriously off- we were terribly outnumbered- babies and toddlers everywhere. The Birthday Brat (who I love to tiny little pieces, but she’s bratty) had been up to her usual tricks hitting, stealing toys, throwing tantrums and in general running amuck. The anomaly was bad parents reaction to the behavior, unlike the usual oblivious ignorance that we’ve all become painfully familiar with, there was some discipline going on. Granted it didn’t do a damn bit of good, because this is the first time they’ve ever given it a whirl-but it proves they know it exists and are aware of how to execute it. This had me stumped, if they are capable of identifying behavior in need of correction and they are familiar with effective methods of discipline (ie: time out) why aren’t they doing it? So I kick my observation into high gear and am watching every encounter with Birthday Brat and I notice that bad parents only step in when abuses are directed towards their friends’ children. I think this is a type of peer pressure (I say hooray peer pressure!). Friends point out that Birthday Brat is destroying other children’s things and they step right up, then suddenly they are watching her too (excuse my shock, but this never happens). Birthday Brat smacks her sister and nobody really cares, she smashes her cousin eehh they’ll be fine. She steals a toy from friend’s kid and they literally jump to action. I am spell-bound watching this unfold. Keeping up the appearance of being a good parent is more important than putting in the time and effort to actual be one.
My question to you: Have you become your mother/father? Does that make you happy or sad? Do you have bad parents in your life? Do they put on a show for others? Do you think they are putting on show for you?
March 4, 2011
I Hate My Friend’s Kid…Now What?
Recently my hubby and I reconnected with an old friend we had lost touch with for several years. It was great catching up and planning get togethers but there is one problem…we can’t stand his kid! I know, it’s a major problem. In theory it’s a great thought, the kids can play and entertain themselves and we can have adult conversations…imagine that. Not only do I want to avoid that child like the plague I don’t want them around my little nugget to pick up on the bad behavior and attitude. I just can’t seem to find a solution other than phase this friend (and his demon spawn child) out.
We’ve already started avoiding gatherings and turning down invitations with quick but carefully crafted excuses. Part of me thinks that our friend knows something is up, but I truly don’t think he would ever suspect it has anything to do with problem child. My first thought is- can you really be that oblivious to your child’s behavior? Let’s say for argument’s sake you can be, how do you not notice the reaction of ALL of your friends and family? When you tell the story, “I don’t know why, they just stopped coming around” about various friends, over and over and at no point look to see what the common element of the story is that’s a problem.
I love children, almost all of them, it takes a downright nasty little bugger to bring me to the point of saying I can’t stand that kid. Generally I can empathize- parents are divorced, they’re unpopular in school, child has a condition, whatever. This kid is just a little jerk, rude and disrespectful to adults and children, – family, strangers, grandparents, friends, classmates…a delightful child. My husband and I do our best not to reprimand other people’s children (unless they are a danger to themselves or others) but this kid is pushing it. For some reason a lot of this child’s venom is directed at my husband, rude jokes, hitting, throwing things, and continual annoyances (repeated poking to the chest while you are having a conversation…enough to make you imagine throwing the child out of the yard over a six-foot fence) that drive you to lose your mind. Without screaming in the child’s face (because in the end this is a child and that would be wrong) how do you deal with this? Friends and family of ours have mentioned that they can’t stand the kid either and have passed on our events because they don’t want to deal…what’s the answer?
My question to you: Have you been forced to phase out a friend because you hate their kid? Is there an alternative to the phase out? Have you ever confronted a friend and said listen your kid is a monster and I/we can’t handle it…did blood shed ensue? Are you still friends?
March 1, 2011
The PTA Makes Me Sad
Tonight I will attend a meeting of the Parent Teacher Association (PTA) for my kiddo’s school, I am happy to go and volunteer my time to help this organization that helps to support my child’s education. This is my first year being an active member of the PTA and I must say it makes me terribly sad each time I attend a meeting. Our PTA covers all of the schools in our district-all elementary, intermediate and high schools fall under its umbrella. That being said, attendance for the last meeting was maybe twenty parents for six schools. My thought is if the parents don’t care about the organization that does amazing things to enrich their children’s education why would anyone else care.
I cherish my munchkin and want to make sure every opportunity is available for her to succeed in school and in life. The PTA is part of that, bringing creative and interesting programs to the schools that inspire students and reinforce the curriculum. It seems to me that a lot of parents say they want to help and some even intend to help but there is little to no priority placed on it. I understand the PTA is a voluntary organization and no parent is required to give of their time, but what makes me sad is why don’t you want to donate your time to your child?
My question for you is do you volunteer to support your PTA/PTO? What motivated you to get involved and how active are you. Do you feel it has offered valuable services to your child’s school? If you don’t volunteer, why not?
February 25, 2011
Are You A Parent Or A Door Mat?
I sit quietly looking, but not looking, at the scene that is unfolding in front of me and repeating to myself-this is not your business, this is not your business. I do this for fifteen minutes in an effort to not jump from seat and scream, “Are you a mother or a door mat for the love of god?” I played that scenario out in my head and it ended badly for everyone involved, so I opted for pretending to read a magazine while a preschooler screamed and even hit her mother in the face. It took all I had folks!
She looked sweet and innocent at first but at the first sign of things not going her way, that child flew off the handle like a bottle rocket. Initially I thought mom could bring her back down to earth with a quite warning, so as to not make a scene, but that seemed to fuel the fire. Then came the full on screaming, stomping and jumping…it was the beginning of the end. Mom raised her voice and the child matched her, mom reached for flailing arms and legs in an unsuccessful attempt to control the tantrum. Now angry at mom for holding her back the little darling hauled off and smacked her in the face. Mom seemed more embarrassed than anything else; I remember noting she didn’t even seem surprised. I on the other hand was shocked; I’ve seen it on TV but never in person, especially with family. You can see it on the show Super Nanny, young children who not only disrespect and disobey their parents but push their paper-thin boundaries to the breaking point with violence.
In my head, and subsequent text messages to my husband, I went on about how do you allow your child to behave like that? What have you done, or not done, up to this point that lead to this complete disrespect for you as a person and your authority as a parent. So often I have heard these kids referred to as “bad” and while yes their behavior is bad, they are not bad. It’s is difficult for me to separate it, but the parents are not bad, just their parenting is bad…or lack thereof. Super Nanny Jo Frost has helped me to see that most of these parents just need to find their voice.
That brings me back to my question, “Are you a parent or a door mat?” In this case these people are family, how do you say just that, but in a way that allows everyone to still sit down together for holiday dinners?
My question to you is have you ever said something to a door mat parent? If so, how did that go over…my guess: like a ton of bricks? Are you a door mat parent? Is that something that you recognize in yourself, have you tried to change it or do you even want to? Has someone ever said anything to you about your parenting?
November 12, 2010
Blogging…The Names Have Been Changed To Protect The Innocent
As I sit down to write several topics pop into mind and though I know I can write endlessly about these issues, I wonder if I should. Where will I draw the line and how firm of a line will it be, will power is not my strong suit. If using no names other than my own can others be justifiably upset with me for my posts, people are upset with me all the time, but do I want to give them ammo. How much of my life do I want to share and at this point, seriously, this blog can hear the crickets chirping…strike that cricket chirp, there’s only one and he mostly keeps to himself .
If I write about my friends will I have any left? Writing about family brings about more drama, if that’s even possible! Writing about work is ill-advised and ground I won’t tread on, don’t bite the hand that feeds you, as they say. Writing about me means writing about the nouns (people, places, things) that affect me. So I write, what needs to be written and a la Dragnet the names will be changed to protect the innocent (and even the guilty) and wait to see how this thing plays out.
November 4, 2010
Parenting Halloween From Hell
Oh how I love Halloween, a relatively stress free holiday, you throw on a costume ring some door bells and they give candy, what could be better? What aspect of this simple straight forward holiday tradition could cause family drama? In this scenario I will be playing the role of mean, evil, needlessly strict Mother of sweet, adorable, well-behaved and good manner child. I’ve decided I will accept and embrace this role despite its unattractive billing.
Super excited to trick-or-treat my family unit headed out the door on a brisk but sunny Halloween Sunday, meeting family at our mailbox. A handful of little munchkins dressed in their Halloween best giddy with excitement for the goodies that would soon fill their bags and baskets. No more than three houses into the adventure began the inevitable whining to eat this candy or that snack. I held my ground and reinforced the ground rules discussed before walking out the door, no candy until after dinner – no matter what, excessive whining or tantrums were grounds for returning home and calling it a night. My kid, remembering the rules and knowing that I am a Mommy of her word, relaxed and knew the candy would come.
Other munchkins, well- not so much, the candy and snacks began to fly wrappers strewn in a trail as the crew marched down the street and rudely across neighbors’ lawns. My darling child’s will began to break seeing piece after piece devoured and parents happily pouring pixie-stix into their children’s mouths, requesting again for just one piece, please – please – please! I stood my ground, after all that’s my role, mean bad terrible Mommy. Reciting my mantra “not until after dinner” I saw looks of sympathy shot at my munchkin, several “awws” and heartbroken sighs for the torture I was inflicting upon this child I claim to love. How dare I allow her to be sad or disappointed and since everyone else was having a sugar high why couldn’t I make an exception? It even went as far as adults trying to sneak my kid candy on the sly, as if I wouldn’t notice! So now I am not only correcting my munchkin but also adults, who have no right to undermine our parental authority.
To make matters worse I must insist that I will not under any circumstance tolerate disrespect; no child of mine will traipse across the neighbors’ lawn trampling their mums and demolishing their flower beds. So my husband and I sing a duet calling “Don’t walk on the grass please” and “Sidewalks and driveways are for walking” while the remaining parentals look on either oblivious or without care to the situation at hand. Never the less, we continue to correct our little one and cheering the good behaviors like: walking not running, saying please and thank you, and for god sake ringing the doorbell only once!
Countless times my husband and I have been told how darling and delightful our offspring is and so often people are surprised by good manners and appropriate behavior. Though some folks recognize that this is neither the result of dumb luck nor a ‘crap shoot’ it is a direct result of the hard work and diligent parenting on behalf of my husband and me. Other times we are seen as tyrants who unfairly inflict strict rules on an angel. Often I am left feeling, yes – evil Mothers have feelings, unappreciated and wounded that my family and friends have so little respect for my parenting technique that they assume I’m in the wrong and my kids’ awesomeness has little or nothing to do with me.
Granted I am not a big fan of your parenting style, or what I consider a lack there of, I would never undermine your authority with your child. Besides being terribly rude it shows just how little respect I have for you and that’s just not the case. What makes people feel that it is acceptable to chime in on your parenting or worse yet blatantly break your rules putting your young child in the middle? As a devoted parent what do you do in these situations? Let it go to avoid conflict or have it out in the middle of a neighborhood street; not an easy decision to make. Also important, how do you deal with the wound inflicted by family you care about or a friend you adore?
